My Thoughts on Earned Secure Attachment

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of earned secure attachment and how it shapes our adult relationships.

Many of us didn't grow up with secure attachment patterns. Instead, we developed anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles based on our early childhood experiences. But the fascinating thing about attachment is that it's not fixed—we can develop earned secure attachment later in life.

What is Earned Secure Attachment?

Earned secure attachment refers to the process where someone who didn't develop secure attachment in childhood manages to develop it later through:

• Self-awareness: Understanding your attachment patterns
• Healing relationships: Experiencing healthy connections with partners, friends, or therapists
• Intentional growth: Consciously working to change your reactions and beliefs

The Path to Earned Security

From my research and personal experience, the journey to earned secure attachment typically involves:

• Making sense of your attachment history
• Developing emotional regulation skills
• Learning to communicate needs clearly
• Building trust in relationships gradually

This isn't easy work, but it's some of the most rewarding personal growth possible.

Why It Matters

Secure attachment isn't just about romantic relationships. It affects how we parent, how we work, and how we move through the world. When we develop earned secure attachment, we break intergenerational patterns and create new possibilities.

If you're interested in exploring this topic further, I recommend starting with Diane Poole Heller's work or Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight."